Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
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I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
☺️
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic