“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
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Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
can’t bark with your mouth full
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you