[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
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My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
damn he’s good
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot