I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
You Might Also Like
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
So that’s what we looked like?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Sorry. Not sorry