What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
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“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run