I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
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Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.