ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
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[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Clients after you give them your rates
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
My work here is done
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*