Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
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Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Botany good plants lately?
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.