If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
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I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you