Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
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Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Don’t we all.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Rooting for the overdog