I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
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Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]