*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
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There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!