Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
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The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.