Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
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According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.