I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
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Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I don’t know what to do
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork