Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
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Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore