Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
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You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time