My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
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I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old