You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
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ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
reviewed some movies recently
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬