dam girl
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Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Jail
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.