i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
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Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.