[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
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Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.