Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
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robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
The Birdles
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters