me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
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[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*