You Might Also Like
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally