{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
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[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger