[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
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“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
True statement👍😏😁
this… may be the greatest story ever told
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.