Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
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Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?