Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.