Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
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Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec