Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
You Might Also Like
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors