Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
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me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
At least he brought enough for everyone
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.