Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
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robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Looking at you, Jesus.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
😂🤣😂🤣
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
All excellent questions
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble