Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
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Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Last-minute gift idea!
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.