At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
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Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Not today.. 😂
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.