[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
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Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear