When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
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[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
fixed it
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .