I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
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*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Natural selection at its finest
The opposite of goth is stopth.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
(Jupiter –
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?