It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
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*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)