I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
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There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.