‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
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My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
This is a whole mood;
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat