Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
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Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali