Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
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When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.