My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
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Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I put the hot in psychotic.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend