I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
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[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.