Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
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The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.