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“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I didn’t realize that was an option
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol