You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
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I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
The cashier just checked me out.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
i can’t wait that long
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.