Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
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Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows