Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
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What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Time heals everything 🙂
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”